There was a time when I was told I may never have children. I was devastated to say the least.

After many years of infertility treatments, emotional anguish, and nights of lost sleep, my body said enough is enough and I gave up my dream of every being a mom.

THE DAY I told my doctor and husband that I was done I didn’t want to do it any more, I had a dream.

THE DREAM

I was having a party at my home. Everyone I had ever known in my life was there. EVERYONE! There was one exception, there was a big, tall, bald black man. I asked around to find out who he was, but no one knew. Every time I got close enough to this man to ask him who he was and how I knew him, he would elude me.

After quite some time and this man eluding me at every turn, I had finally asked every. single. person. who he was, no one knew. Finally, I sat down on my couch, defeated. After I had asked that last person who he was, he sat down on my couch next to me. He placed his large left hand on my  right knee, looked me straight in the eye and said,

“I am an angel from God. You are pregnant.”

I’M AWAKE  NOW

Needless to say, I sat straight upright in my bed, heart pumping so fast I thought it would break through my chest and I was soaked from a cold sweat.

I shook myself, went to the shower and convinced myself the dream was a result of my sub-conscience as it had only been the day before I had decided I couldn’t keep trying for a baby.

For weeks, after I had told my husband, family, friends, and coworkers about the dream, they wanted me to take a pregnancy test or a least see the doctor.

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me for one more heartbreak.

I CAN’T SHAKE THIS

I wrestled every day with this dream I had had. It was never far from my thoughts and at night I dreamed about having the dream. I was a wreck! Part of me wanted it to be real and part of me had convinced myself it was nonsense.

After weeks of not being able to shake this dream, I broke down and called the doctor.

I made an appointment and told them what it was for. They were so encouraging and understanding of a woman who wanted ONE MORE pregnancy test.

I went in, they drew blood, I peed in a cup and then waited in that waiting room for what seemed like an eternity. I’m sure you can imagine I was a complete disaster!!

THE RESULTS ARE IN

Finally the door to the back offices opened and the nurse stepped into the waiting room where I sat.

She sat down next to me, placed her small left hand on my right knee and said,

“What are you going to name your baby?”

Her actions shook me almost as much as the news that I was pregnant. She did exactly the same thing that angel had done in my dream.

LIFE CHANGED THAT DAY

As I adjusted to the news of my pending bundle of joy I was processing the dream. An angel? God sent me an angel? Needless to say, I believed in God, had a relationship with Him, but I couldn’t fathom Him sending me an angel.

Then one day as I was strolling through the calendar section of my local big box super store, I picked up an Anne Geddes calendar. I love her work. All those cute little babies in all sorts of fun poses. As I flipped through the calendar I came to the month my own sweet baby was to be born and there staring back at me was a picture of a black man holding a sweet little white baby in his hands.

I almost fainted!

I know this all sounds hokey. I get it, I do. It took me forever to realize how God touched my life during that time. What it did was simply cement my belief in God and His amazing abilities and miracles.

I TOLD YOU THAT STORY TO TELL YOU THIS ONE

I’m sure you’re wondering by now why I told you that story. I guess the long and the short of it is that I needed to hear it too.

I needed to be reminded that God always has his hand right on the pulse of my life.

Whether I’m going through a good thing or feeling like the my world is crumbling around my feet, I can rest assured that God is going to get me through it.

I often wonder why God didn’t have that angel tell me it was going to be hard raising a child. That there would be good times, happy times, times that would make my heart so full I wouldn’t know how to contain it, but that there would also be really difficult times. Times where I would beg for a break, cry myself to sleep and worry beyond belief.

No, that angel didn’t tell me those things.

That angel  nor anyone else ever told me THE most single difficult thing about raising a child is the part where they grow up, form their own life, and walk through your door into that big scary world without you. That the little hand that reached for yours would one day turn the doorknob, wave and say ‘see ya later mom’, and be all grown up.

IT’S BITTERSWEET

We celebrated my oldest son’s 20th birthday this past week.

From the day he was born, he has amazed me. Always so independent and wanting to do things his way. It didn’t matter if I wanted him to breastfeed longer, when he was finished with it he got his wish. When I wanted him to walk, he wouldn’t, but when he did it was astonishing. When I thought he should be potty trained he refused, even telling the pediatrician he ‘just wasn’t ready’, but when he was ready he never looked back. I worried about him not being able to read, when he did he chose War and Peace as his first endeavor.

It’s been that way his whole life. Push him and he falls, give him wings and he always flies!

THE BITTER

This the pill which leads to the feeling of loss. My little boy is no more; he only lives in my memory.  The little boy who didn’t want to walk without holding my hand. The little man who was so independent but who would still need his mama snuggles at the end of each day. The little boy who wanted to climb trees but needed his mama to give him a leg up. The middle school aged boy who just wanted to sit in mom’s lap for some comfort. He’s gone.

In his stead is a young man in high school, who struggled with homework, but still needed mom to help him out. A young man who entered his first real relationship and had his heart ripped in two, but still wanted mom for comfort. A young man who didn’t want to get a job, but wanted mom’s advice about why it would be a good idea. A young man who struggled to understand his relationship with his dad, still needed mom when it overwhelmed him and just needed to cry and mom was a safe place to do that. The young man who decided he didn’t want to walk in the graduation ceremony but respected mom’s opinion and asked for support. He’s changing.

Now, I look at him and I often struggle to see the man because I long for that little boy.

THE SWEET

I’m so amazed at the man he’s becoming.

It’s funny how quickly our children grow. It’s ridiculous actually.

As my son begins this next journey, that of adulthood, I pray I’ve equipped him with the ability to continue to grow and change. I pray that even as he strikes out on his own he’ll know I’m still his biggest fan.

It’s rewarding to see how strong, confident and secure he is of himself. Oh I know he’ll have rough patches, and he’ll sometimes fall, but I like to believe I’ve led him to understand God has a plan for his life and he needs to trust in that. Even when he thinks he can’t get back up I hope he remembers whose son he is and takes that first step of faith by getting back up and continuing to move forward.

I pray he doesn’t just dream, but that he uses those dreams every single day to make choices that will lead him to those dreams. How wonderful it is to see my son know what he wants and watch as he figures out how to get it.

I see him with his new girlfriend and my heart beats with joy as he opens doors for her, holds her hand, laughs with her and makes her laugh. He’s a man who respects!!

I watch him as he tries to make this transition a bit smoother for his younger brother, never leaving him out but making time for him, my heart beats a happy tune. He’s a man of integrity!!

My son is growing into the man God planned him to be and I’m overjoyed knowing I helped get him there.

There’s a bit of a hole in my heart, that piece of me is walking around out in that great big world as my son and I am more than proud of him!!

“Slow Down” 

Here’s to you
You were pink or blue
And everything I wanted
Here’s to you
Never sleeping through
From midnight till the morning
Had to crawl before you walked
Before you ran
Before I knew it
You were trying to free your fingers from my hand
‘Cause you could it on your own now somehow

Slow down
Won’t you stay here a minute more
I know you want to walk through the door
But it’s all too fast
Let’s make it last a little while
I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly
I am your biggest fan
I hope you know I am
But do you think you can somehow
Slow down

Here’s to you
Every missing tooth
Every bedtime story
Here’s to Barbie cars, light saber wars
Sleeping in on Sunday
Had to crawl
Before you walked
Before you ran
Before I knew it
You were teaching me
The only thing love can
Hold hands through it
When it’s scary, you’ve got me

Slow down
Won’t you stay here a minute more
I know you want to walk through the door
But it’s all too fast
Let’s make it last a little while
I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly
I am your biggest fan
I hope you know I am
But do you think you can somehow
Slow down

Please don’t roll your eyes at me
I know I’m embarrassing
But someday you’ll understand
You’ll hold a little hand
Ask them if they can

I am your biggest fan
I hope you know I am
But do you think you can
Somehow
Slow down
Slow down

Nicole Nordeman

What did you find most difficult as your child grew up?