I sat down after we had celebrated Mother’s Day and I pondered

All day, I’ve watched my boys, done things with them, talked with them, laughed with them, loved them, hugged them, and thoroughly enjoyed this day that celebrates my mom-ness and I pondered.

Pondered what being a mom really means.

Pondered the past, the present, and the future as a mom.

Let me take you back just a bit {flashback…oooo just like in the movies}

Custody battles are tough and often ugly, mine was no exception.

For years,

• I struggled and wrestled with my ability, or lack of ability, as a mom.
• I struggled with what others thought of me as a mom, especially other moms whose children lived with them, as mine did not.
• I struggled with understanding how a God who blessed me with two beautiful sons could allow them to be transplanted into their dad’s house and not mine
• I struggled feeling like a mom as I drove each week, twice a week, for weekly visits, shared holidays, weekend visits, and summer breaks.
• I felt pure agony each time I made that drive in the opposite direction to take them back to their dad’s house when they should have been staying right there with me.
• I struggled with guilt and shame.
• I struggled with over indulgence to make up for those feelings of inadequacy.
• I struggled with loneliness and anger, bitterness and resentment.

Some days the pain was more than I thought I could bear.
Some days I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the unbearable pain in my heart that I carried with me every single day.

{Wake up Alice, Wake up!}

Sometimes my life feels like I’ve fallen down that crazy rabbit’s hole 🙂

{OK, lets come back to the present}

It’s been some time since that whole nightmarish custody battle, I still make those drives to and from, and there are still days when the pain in my heart overwhelms me, BUT and it is a pretty big BUT

I’m learning all sorts of things make up my mom-ness. It’s not just about whether or not my children live with me. It’s not about how ugly the battle has been.

I’m learning it is about the time I take, the attitude I carry, the faith I walk by.

It’s those things that will carry me and my children into the future.

It’s those things that will solidly build our relationship. I can rest in knowing I’ve given the best I have every time I had the opportunity.

I’m learning:

Being Present Matters– it doesn’t matter if I see them every day, every other day, once a week, six weeks in the summer or any other time. I have to ensure that I’m conscientiously and purposefully being in each and every moment. Not worrying about what did or didn’t happen yesterday or what tomorrow might bring but taking each moment and treasuring it to the absolute fullest!

Happy Mother’s Day to any woman who has ever cared for a child in any capacity!!